Location Play

What About Love

(THE SETTING is a park. Upstage left and downstage right are two benches. In the middle of the stage a merry-go-round sits next to a slide. TWO WOMEN in their twenties are at the bench on stage left. One of them is eating an ice cream cone. This woman, named JANIS, is sitting on the bench while the other, named CASEY, is standing.)

JANIS
What about Jasper Collins? He was always good looking.

CASEY
Janis. Everybody knows Jasper’s lacking in that department.

JANIS
Well, How about Rick Trevors or Nelson Ruthers?

CASEY
Rick needed work the first time around and I’d rather sleep with Nelson Muntz than Nelson Ruthers.

JANIS
Casey. There isn’t exactly a huge list of people. All the good guys are either gay, dead or married. You know that.

CASEY
Happily married?

JANIS
(Shouts in frustration)
Casey!?

CASEY
Fine. Fine.

JANIS
(Puts down her ice cream cone)
Damn. If I’d known you were this picky about finding a guy…

CASEY
What? What would you have done?

(A MAN IN HIS TWENTIES NAMED STEVE enters stage right with a novel and sits on the bench at that end. He sees the girls but does not pay them any mind. He starts reading the novel.)

JANIS
It doesn’t matter. My best advise. If you want to get over Michael, go out and screw the first guy you see. Let’s get to the nearest bar right now.

CASEY
We don’t have to. I just found the perfect guy. He gorgeous. Who is he? Do you know him?

JANIS
I’ve never seen him before.

CASEY
I need to know more about him. I should talk to him. What should I say? I don’t know what to say.

JANIS
Do me a favor.

CASEY
What?

JANIS
Quit acting like you’re in high school. Then we’ll go talk to him together.

(CASEY takes a couple deep breaths. JANIS picks up her ice cream cone. CASEY and JANIS start walking over to stage right. STEVE looks up from his novel to see them coming. He lets out an annoyed sigh. He gets up, closes his novel and exits stage right. CASEY runs the rest of the way over. JANIS takes a lick of her cone and keeps walking.)

CASEY
(A Little panicky)
Where did he go? Why did he leave? Janis…

JANIS
You’re acting like a high schooler again.

CASEY
But why did he leave. I wanted, no, I needed to talk to him. He was a god. He was the one for me.

JANIS
Maybe he didn’t feel the same way.

CASEY
Why not? I’m appealing. I’m experienced. And I’m popular. Isn’t that what guys are looking for in a woman? Of course it is.

(Unbeknownst to either of them, STEVE enters stage left. He puts his novel on the bench before walking over to the merry-go-round, giving it a couple of big pushes and riding it.)

JANIS
I still think we should head to the nearest bar to get you a guy. There’ll be alcohol. And I’m starting to wish I was wasted.

(JANIS and CASEY start to walk off stage right when STEVE lets out a loud yell. The speed of the merry-go-round became too fast to control and STEVE was thrown from the merry-go-round. JANIS and CASEY both run over.)

CASEY
Are you all right?

(STEVE gets up off the ground and brushes himself off)

STEVE
No harm done. I’m Steve.

JANIS
Are you sure you’re all right Steve?

CASEY
Yeah, because I wouldn’t mind nursing you back to health. I took a CPR class.

JANIS
Does it look like he needs CPR Casey?

CASEY
Do you want to go out with me? Tomorrow? Next week? (Pause) Today?

STEVE
Sorry. No.

(CASEY looks at him in shock, horror, and outrage for a moment. She grabs the ice cream cone out of JANIS’S hand, who is currently taking a lick from it. CASEY shoves the cone, ice cream first, into Steve’s face before walking towards stage left. She sees the novel on the bench as she walks by and throws it onto the ground before exiting stage left. STEVE uses his shirt to start cleaning his face.)

JANIS
Sorry about her.

STEVE
It’s all right.

JANIS
I should probably go after her. (Pause) But I don’t want to.

(STEVE and JANIS walk over to the stage left bench and sit down)

STEVE
Are you going to hit on me too?

JANIS
No. I’m just curious. It’s been a long time since a guy wasn’t interested in either one of us. So…

(CASEY enters stage left. She walks up behind the bench that Steve and Janis are sitting at. CASEY listens in on their discussion.)

STEVE
Do you really want to know?

JANIS
If you want to tell me.

STEVE
I don’t believe in love.

JANIS
(Shocked)
What?

CASEY
(Outraged)
What?

JANIS
(Sarcastically)
Hello Casey.
(Smugly)
Do you have something to say to your crush?

STEVE
I’m talking about romantic love of course.

CASEY
(Sits down on the bench with the other two)
I don’t get it. You just don’t believe, what, that it exists at all.

STEVE
Love is lust in disguise. People have hands.
(Makes a jerking off gesture)
They don’t need some random nobody to make them cry.

CASEY
(Outraged)
So you don’t date at all?

STEVE
Dating just leaves people broke and marriage ends in divorce.

JANIS
(Curious)
Why all the theories.

STEVE
Most people are born with these theories. It’s where cooties come from. I kissed a girl at the age of five and never changed the cooties theory after that.

JANIS
I can respect that.

CASEY
(Shouting)
What!?

STEVE
And I respect other people’s opinions on love, even if they’re not my own. But just because I’m attracted to you doesn’t mean I’ll give into it.

CASEY
Huh?

STEVE
Just because I’m attracted to you doesn’t mean I’ll give in to it.

JANIS
Haven’t you been listening Casey?

CASEY
(Shouts)
Yes I have, but I don’t understand how someone as attractive as you doesn’t want me! How can you say you’re attracted to me and not want to fuck me! I’m beautiful goddamn it! Take me!

(As Casey is shouting, A MAN crosses the stage from stage left to stage right. THE MAN catches Casey’s eye.)

CASEY
There’s nothing wrong with my body! I…I…uh…have a good day Steve. I’ll catch you later Janis. Hey you! Wait!

(Casey follows the man off stage right. The curtain closes on JANIS and STEVE laughing.)